How do I continue my young relationship despite his group chat?

How do I continue my young relationship despite his group chat?

The man with whom I have a close relationship is in a group chat with friends, where sexually oriented pictures of women are regularly exchanged. He himself waves it: ‘Men are just like that.’ But I find these images disrespectful, and I want him to see that he makes us objects with them. Although I also understand that it’s hard for him to distance himself from a group chat with friends. How can I continue the relationship without denying my principles? Female (29), name known to the editors

Process of consciousness

I have been married for over fifty years. My experience is that both men and women go through a process of consciousness. In this way you can slowly change and grow towards each other. It would be important to me to what extent he takes me seriously in my pain / view of this. Instead of stopping the group chat, he can also discuss this topic in the group. This can prevent more #MeToos. Tonny Hustinx (71), Deurne

Alarm signal

Meet the confrontation. You can not demand that someone change without talking to them. It is then up to him to adapt his behavior. In our opinion, the content of this group app is an alarm signal, and we wonder if the statement ‘men are just like that’ also refers to his gaze towards you. Would you like to continue your relationship with someone who looks at you like that? Fieke Noordeman (18) and Ruben Westendorp (22), Arnhem

Men enough

It’s clear he’s crossing your border. Explain why this behavior affects you so much. Give him space to express his opinion, but also make clear what your boundaries are. Believe me, there are plenty of men who are respectful. Lisa Wever (34), Amsterdam

It does not have to be disrespectful

In addition to a personality and soul, we also have an exterior, a body that can be seen as attractive by others. It can be called objectifying, but it does not have to be disrespectful. If you prefer not to, you can ask your new love not to respond to these messages, let alone generate them yourself. Then he is not ‘complicit’ and he can simply continue to participate in other group themes with his companions. Marcel Gerrits Jans (59), Groningen

disrespectful

Ending that relationship is the only and right decision you need to make right away. He should occupy such an important place with you that he does not at all feel the slightest need to want to participate in such a group chat. It’s disrespectful to you. Krijn Schoonderwoerd (64), Leiden

Legion of men

There are lots of men who are not like that. Look for it. It’s still a strained relationship, you write, so no man overboard if you put this man overboard. Tonny van de Boom (61), Leudal

Especially do not like it

Yes, most men are like that. But it does not matter, does it? Just because they look at sexually explicit images of women, does not mean they mean something bad, does it? As a woman, I am not bothered that women are thus made an object, which is also an assumption. Most men are no longer so tough when a woman stands in front of them in real life. Drop it and especially do not read in your friend’s chats. Marieke ten Cate (40), Gennep

In two weeks: How do I get him to the doctor?

My elderly father is afraid of the hospital because he was treated very badly there several times as a small child. He was almost certainly traumatized. He actually had to have surgery on his prostate years ago, but he refuses to go to the doctor. He has slept poorly for years, takes a urine bottle with him in the car and has ‘catheterized’ himself several times, apparently a painful affair. What would you do? Female (52), name known to the editors

Our question is: what would you do? Mail your answer (max. 110 words) before Monday 7 March 2022 to: wzud@volkskrant.nl. Do you have a dilemma and want advice from other readers? Mail your problem (max. 110 words) to: wzud@volkskrant.nl. Always state your full name, age and residence. The editors reserve the right to shorten contributions.

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