“It’s always been a difficult story with me and love. At school I was a bit of a loner. I did not get in touch with other students and would rather play games at home than go to pubs all weekend. That’s still the case on HBO. so, but I still signed up for a sorority. An alienating experience. I still did not really belong, and when a kissing party was arranged where the intention was to kiss so many people in one night, I went. I liked it’s shocking to see. This had nothing to do with romance at all. “
“Maybe I should not have gone at all. But yes. I was the only one in the association who had never kissed before and this would be a great opportunity. It hurt me that I had never had a boyfriend and all my why did I succeed? I tried, I went to a girl and had a chat, but usually they already had a boyfriend or they just did not like me.
I have had to deal with quite a few rejections. At least I’m not a club type, and the brooding students were not my people after all. Where in the world was I supposed to meet a boyfriend? I made some attempts at dating sites like Lexa and Relatieplanet, but as an 18-year-old boy, you might as well talk to a camel. Women receive ten messages a day, but as a man you can calmly wait two months and such a conversation still turns into nothing. Even online, I felt like an outsider. “
The bright spots of life
“Meanwhile, my studies failed. I read electrical engineering and did not like it, and at home it was quite uneasy with my brother and father who had their own problems. When my uncle also died, I could see the bright spots from life. I could not find it anymore. I switched to a new examination and went on the advice of a teacher to talk to a psychologist. He identified some characteristics of autism in me and a little later the diagnosis was made with a quick checklist. Fantastic. What now? “
“After a year, I knew for sure that I would not become a history teacher either. But what then? I signed up for the journalism program, and it seemed to go well for the first two years. Unfortunately, the girls still did not want it … fleets Every flare-up attempt I rejected as a joke in hopes of saving face.
I started getting worse and worse, and eventually I had such a bad breakdown that I did not bother getting out of bed. I did not want more. School was bad, there was a culture of silence at home, and I still had not had a boyfriend. I felt very alone and ended up in the day care institution of the GGZ. I got valuable things out of it. I realized that by choosing to stay at home and not build up student debt, I was also missing out on social development. I learned to make friends and socialize with many different people. And the mutual contact is very nice. And I met a girl. “
“We were friends and we talked really well together. Instead of going to woodworking class we went for a walk together. She opened up to me and we even hugged. The alarm bells should have rung then. I finally told her that I never had had sex and never even kissed And that I was tired of being a virgin, I had made an appointment with a prostitute and I even told her that the next day she came to me and said she would try it with me “So sex Somehow it did not feel right, but I agreed anyway. It was not a resounding success, but it was not a disaster either.”
‘I saw too late that she was in love’
“She was a savior for me, for now my first attempt was not with a complete stranger, but with one who loved me. I’m glad she was the first. It was harder for her because her fear of pollution and fear played a role We took a swim again and then she withdrew more and more.It was only later that I realized that she was in love with me, but then it was too late.I contacted another girl “In the group and from that moment on, she would never see me again. I could not understand it. If I had known she was in love with me, I would have handled it all differently.”
“Now, years later, I have finally found the words to express my feelings. And also to ask about the feelings of others. I googled her again, and bumped into my dismay over an obituary. Me that she took an overdose of that sleeping pills and because of that she fell so badly that she died.Still I think: could I have saved her? What if I had recognized her feeling? We might have had a very good relationship now and had she been alive . “
One thousand euros for matching agency
“Now that I’ve learned to open my heart and make friends, I have more room than ever for a girl. I finished my studies debt free, but finding a job as a journalist is not possible at the moment. So I work now as taxi driver.Recently I also took off from home, tentatively in an anti-squat house.I have done very wisely all my life, but sometimes I wonder what it can do for me now.Due to my long study, I was the oldest anywhere, and so I did not meet the women who cared for me in college and now at my job in the taxi company.
I tried Tinder for a while, but I hated it. I even hired a matching agency for a thousand euros. Without result. Now I’m on OkCupid on the recommendation of a friend and have occasional dates. Happy moves again. I ignore single mothers, because how can I enter into a relationship with someone with a child while still having to discover what it’s like to be in a relationship? I hope to have my own family eventually, but I want to take it easy. “
The name Peter has been changed. His real name is known by the editorial staff.
Wanted: Love Lessons
For the Love Lesson section of RTL Nieuws Lifestyle, we are looking for beautiful, vulnerable, fun, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, a moment of reflection. Preferably with your hands in your bosom. Did you eventually turn out to be the one with a fear of commitment? Should you never have emigrated for love, or did a mixed family prove to be an illusion? Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you about it all. You can tell anonymously. Mail to: firstname.lastname@example.org.