Natascha will never see her daughter and granddaughter again

“I often keep to myself. Then I say it does not bother me that I will never see my daughter and granddaughter again. But I am not made of stone, of course I am very sorry about this. I always used to to ride a horse with my daughter.When she was pregnant I bought a small pair of riding breeches for her child.These breeches are still unused at my house, my grandson has long since grown out of them.I only got to keep them once. “Sometimes I see pictures on social media of him. He looks like two drops of water to me. Then I think, ‘My daughter hates me, while her son is my picture. How is that possible?’

Farewell

“I never thought the relationship with my daughter Sonja would be so bad. I was 19 when I got pregnant with her. She was unplanned but would definitely. My then boyfriend and I lived together and we offered her a stable “Her brother was born three years later. Their father was a military man and spent a lot of time at the barracks, I looked after the children a lot on my own. I threw myself into my role as a mother and enjoyed playing with the children or going to the children’s zoo to go.”

“Unfortunately, the relationship with their father did not last. Sonja was nine and her brother six when we separated. Divorce is always painful, but I did my best to make it cozy at home for the children. Sonja was busy with her horse and had often friends over. Everyone could have dinner, so I baked a big stack of pancakes. After a year, I made a new friend, who I got pregnant with pretty quickly. I moved in with the kids with him, and when their half-brother became born, they immediately fell in love with him. I thought it was fun, such a full nest. “

“The first cracks came when Sonja came into puberty. She did exactly what she wanted and did not stick to simple rules, like calling if she did not come home. Slowly I lost control of her. The accusations. I had left her stepfather eventually because he had a major alcohol problem and was aggressive. “

“Sonja was annoyed that I had put her in that situation. She was right, I also think it’s awful that she has seen things that a child should not experience. I have apologized a thousand times, too when she was older.But she lingered in anger – even now, I think she thinks I should have left him before, but where should I go with three children? called, there was only room for two children.I could not left one, could I? It was only when I could get emergency housing that I saw a chance to leave. But it was obviously already too late. She also denied that I had contact with my ex, but I did for our son. In his interest I wanted normal relations with his father. Sonja thought it was nonsense. “

Distance

“There were more and more quarrels in the house, for example when Sonja was no longer allowed to go to her boyfriend late at night. She was sixteen when the bomb went off. She had not come home after being out, I was very worried. She turned out to be with a girlfriend slept without my knowing I was furious, I thought it was so disrespectful just to get away without saying anything Then suddenly she was gone Her father came to pick up her clothes, Sonja wanted to stay with him from now on of on “I found the choice to live with my ex very difficult, but I respected it. And I was hoping that the distance between us, our relationship would be good. Maybe being less close to each other was just what we needed to get closer together. “

“Unfortunately, it never really worked out between us. After Sonja moved in with her father, she would not contact me for a long time. Then there were periods where we saw each other, which was always followed by months with no contact. That was what she when we communicated, it was nice, and she often stood on the doorstep. We went for walks with the dogs together and had good conversations. But I have always noticed that sooner or later she distanced herself and then came accusations: that I used to spend too little time with her, or that I had used her as a babysitter for her little brother. Or she thought I had too many frills in the house. Sometimes when I knew Sonja was coming by. she would stop, “I quickly put some things in a box because it annoyed her. Afterwards, I went too far with her whims.”

Pregnant

“Five years ago I ended up in the hospital because of my chronic bowel disease. Then Sonja suddenly stood in front of me. I was glad I welcomed her with open arms. Then I went to look in her new house and later we went and ate lunch. She then said that her taste had suddenly changed and I joked that she might be pregnant. Three weeks later it turned out that it was her. From that moment Sonja turned like a leaf on “When I asked excitedly if I could go for an ultrasound, she replied that everyone could come except me. It was a slap in the face.”

“I would have loved to experience this special period with her and bought a layette together, but I did not hear from her during the whole pregnancy. Sonja got married during her pregnancy. I was not invited, I did not even know she was getting married. Not much later, my mother – who Sonja is still in contact with – called me to say that I had become a grandmother, I already knew that, Sonja thought. My granddaughter was born, but I knew I could not be a really grandma for him. I did not even get a birth announcement. “

“My grandson is now four years old. I once saw him as a baby, at my mother’s house. She called me that Sonja and her son were with her and that I had to come quickly if I wanted to see him. ‘t. For what you do not know, you can not miss. Yet I went. It was beautiful to hold the little one, he looked like Sonja when she was baby. It still touches me when I touch, I think that moment But Sonja said coldly that she had done this for her grandmother, she did not need me to come. Those words broke my heart. “

“Since then there has been no contact. She does not see her brothers either. They do not understand their sister and her behavior, the youngest is even angry about it. I explained to him that everyone experiences their childhood differently and that Sonja blames many things But of course it consumes me. I do not understand how she can treat her own mother like that. Yes, I made mistakes and I admit it. But should I be punished like that? Bad things have happened, but if you can not give it a place or not talking about it, you get angry inside you. But then after a week it was good again. Not a hair on your head to think about putting them in the trash and breaking the ties. “

Beautiful memories

“The holidays are hard every year. For Christmas, my table is never finished. Mother’s day is also hard. Then I never hear from her and I do not expect anything more. I try to see Mother’s day as a day like everyone else. day, then it hurts less.Sonja’s crafts and drawings that she used to make for me for Mother’s Day, I have kept them all.Recently I looked at old pictures, so I had to laugh terribly at the memories that came back. We also really had fun together. “

“Yet I never think it’s going to be okay between my daughter and me. And I do not believe that one day I will be the grandmother of my grandson. I try to put it in perspective: I know they are alive and that “They are fine. She. I also have friends whose children have died in an accident, it’s even more intense. That’s how I try to make it bearable for myself. But grief and loss always lurk.”

“When I hear a song by the Spice Girls, which my daughter and I used to dance happily together to. When I see a mother walking arm in arm with her daughter in the city. But out of self-protection, I now no longer want to contact her It’s too much anxiety and I will not get hurt again In difficult moments I look for distraction. Then I go for a walk with my dogs or I turn on the radio very loudly. Fortunately, I get a lot of support from my current boyfriend and my sons and friends. I still think life is beautiful. “

Leave a Comment