when are you ready?

Dating coach Denise Janmaat has written a book: ‘Dating – when your partner is no longer there’. She tells you when you can feel for yourself that you are ready to open up to a new love.

For anyone who has lost a loved one, another process of mourning follows. Denise says it is related to the period that took place before. “If someone dies suddenly, you have been less able to prepare to be alone than if someone has had a long-term illness. Of course, you do not know what it is like yet, but you may have discussed it with each other and been able to prepare for it. ”

The dating coach explains that in the first months after the death, you are often asked by your friends and family, for example, to visit or take part in a fun activity. These activities distract you from the situation. “This attention becomes less and less, and then it becomes lonely. You know what it’s like to be with a partner so that the desire arises again. Only in most cases is this a natural reaction to fill the void and not because you are really ready for a new relationship. ”

When can you feel for yourself that you are ready to open up to a new man or woman? Asking critical questions is an important factor, according to Denise. “What kind of partner do I need now? And who do I want next to me now? These are questions you should be able to ask yourself to decide what kind of partner you are looking for. Then you can also during dating find out if that person really suits you. ”

Denise also asks the singles the critical questions during her coaching. “Do you want to get what you can get? Or do you want to get what you really want? When you go for the first time, you look for a partner to fill the void, and then you take many things for granted. If you go “After another, you really start to look around. Then you look at what could be the perfect partner for you.”

However, the latter is more difficult for the elderly than for the young. “When a partner dies, these couples have often been together for a long time. Because of this, they may not have dated for thirty to forty years. They do not know how to deal with it and there is also uncertainty about appearance or your age. This tension and uncertainty means that sometimes they do not dare to go for someone they see as the perfect partner, but they often go for the safe solution. ”

Once you can open up to a new relationship, according to Denise, it is important that you both choose someone in their entirety, and that includes the past. “Your deceased partner has been a part of your life. If you discuss how to deal with past relationships, it can actually be a connecting means to get closer to each other. ”

Pictures of deceased partners in the house should not be a problem, according to Denise. “Only if you discover that you are not able to move the picture from the window sill to, for example, the bookcase, because you are afraid that you will forget your deceased partner, for example, then you may not be completely finished with the mourning process after all. ”

In addition to these things, there is an important tip for Denise that some seniors prefer to postpone for as long as possible when they start dating again. “You must also take the people who have supported you in your grief with you in what is happening inside you.” Denise explains that, for example, it is important to tell your children that you feel ready for a new relationship. “If you tell them that you are starting to long for someone in your life again, they will understand you better and they will be aware that you are ready for a new step in your life. If you only tell this if you really have a new relationship and want to propose a partner, you will be more likely to be confronted with misunderstandings. Your loved ones have not been able to prepare for it. ”

Another reason why it is important to share your feelings with your loved ones is because you then say it out loud. “If I say out loud that I’m dating, how does it feel then? Am I really ready? How do I respond to comments from others? These are again important questions to find out if you are really ready for a relationship. It is not just a process with yourself, but also how your environment responds to it and what it does to you, ”says Denise.

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