How do you know when your relationship is over? ‘Is a matter of feeling, not of knowing’ | NOW

We all have moments in doubt, but how do you know if it still makes sense to work on your relationship and when not? Two experts give tips.

It could be that the cake is just gone – maybe one of the two is not feeling well for a while or uncertain and hectic corona times have given wrinkles in the relationship.

To begin with, it is important to know what is going on, says relationship therapist Nina Oudshoorn. “If in doubt, check with yourself where they come from.”

“That doubt can be about something about yourself, but it can also be about your partner or the relationship itself. Suppose you have just become a parent. It can affect how you treat each other. You are not just a partner, but also a father. or mother. “

Find out how personal relationships play a role

If that doubt seems to come from within yourself, then according to Caroline Franssen, coach and lecturer at the Relations Academy, it is good to check with yourself how personal relationships play a role. “A lot of what you can stumble across in a relationship stems from behaviors you learned as a child.”

“People who feel unhappy in a relationship are usually people who blame themselves.”

Caroline Franssen, trainer and teacher

It is important to avoid adapting too much to your partner. “People who feel unhappy in a relationship are usually people who blame themselves. They think: If I adapt and lower my demands, it’s going to be fine. It’s not.” By wiping yourself out, you will never adjust. It is not a sustainable situation.

Doubt is part of it

If you notice that your relationship is different, Franssen says that it can help to go to couples therapy. “It is important that you both realize that it is not going well and that you both have the motivation to work on it.” She goes on to say that it is not always enough for both of you to acknowledge that there are problems: “Since you do not see your own patterns, it may be good to talk to an outsider about it.”

“No relationship just goes well, doubt is a part of it.”

Nina Oudshoorn, relationship therapist

While it’s good to know what’s going on and what’s missing in your relationship, according to Oudshoorn, doubts do not always have to mean something serious. “No relationship just goes well, doubt is a part of it.” That’s what emotions do to us, says the relationship therapist.

A relationship does not just arise

Doubt is therefore not necessarily bad. “It can also be an opportunity to understand yourself better and also give your partner the opportunity to understand you better. And if it’s clear what’s wrong, you can discuss it. For that, you need to communicate well and can talk about emotions, “says Oudshoorn.

“Do not ask too much of each other, but also keep seeing your friends.”

Caroline Franssen, trainer and teacher

You can learn that, says Franssen. “Do communication exercises. Ask the other person what he or she needs, there is so much to gain. Many people are emotionally illiterate and have not learned to deal with emotions such as fear, sadness and anger.”

The coach continues that a relationship does not happen automatically: “We do not learn that in school or from our parents. If you know yourself, you can learn to recognize when, for example, you become too addicted and what you can do for to prevent yourself from acting in a certain way. to feel and also to express it. “

Also keep seeing your friends

In addition, according to Franssen, it is important to keep doing things. “Do not ask too much of each other, but also keep seeing your friends. It is good to keep doing something for yourself. For example, go and learn pottery or a language. In a good relationship, you can not only feel good together, but also in yourself or with others. “

If you can not figure it out, it can be difficult to determine if and when the relationship is over. “There is no guideline for that, you can never be completely sure,” Oudshoorn explains. “It’s not a matter of knowing, but a matter of feeling. What, according to the relationship therapist, makes it complex is that we want to make sure we do not make a mistake or regret later.” It is not a rational thing. but I believe we can sense it deep down. “

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