Zeitgeist explores the DNA of love: how do your parents’ relationships affect your own? Danielle (38) had boyfriend after boyfriend. Until she ended up in a crisis.
“My father used to keep pigeons. In the attic. Racing pigeons. Sometimes I went upstairs to see, also to be with him for a while. But he was always busy with the pigeons or other chores in the house. Then he said: go and play yourself. Or the television is on. I have always sought him out, he never came to me. My friends did that later.
If I could be close to my dad, I enjoyed it. I often followed him a little, I was such a companion who did not necessarily seek interaction, but was always there. A kind of pendant. Or I curled up with him when he watched TV. Then he lay down on the couch and I lay with my head on the other side, my feet against him. “Dad, tickle,” I would say. I liked that so much. ”
Would you also like to be interviewed about your parents’ influence on your relationships? Mail: email@example.com
“My father has a calm presence, I like that. She is very different from my mother everywhereas I myself am. High in its energy. My father is such a stable mountain where one can hang out. A safe place. If he allows it.
He was often annoyed and angry. If my sister and I were making noise, he could suddenly jump out of the chair, snatch a slipper and threaten: If you do not stop now, you will get a slap. My sister really suffered from his mood, I thought: hum. Truly a father’s baby. I did not like it, but that feeling was gone in no time. I still have it. In men. I quickly forgive men. ”
If I wanted to skate a round with him
“I met Stef when I was fourteen. On disco ice skating. He was handsome: Indonesian half-blood, blue eyes, half-long hair. And he had a good body. When he asked if I wanted to go ice skating, I was sold. Like my father, he had a very calm energy. And many hobbies. He played, often for hours. Then I hung next to him on the couch.
After two years, it broke down, he had been unfaithful to him. I immediately got another one that I was not even in love with, but after a year it was on again. He was sad. I forgave him. Still he was unfaithful again, I heard with different girls. He refused. It went on-off-on-off for five years. Until I saw the proof in his MSN chat history. I finally found out.
Soon I got a new boyfriend I have never been apart of since I was twelve. And then another. And one more. All short relationships, with men who were mainly preoccupied with other things. Then I could come by once a week for sex while I was in love. I had become super suspicious. So I checked their phones. They all cheated. ”
He started about children
“Jonas was different. He was really sweet, the exception to the rule. Not much of a flutter and flirtation. Very calm and smart. I was 24 and thought: now I have found him. We moved in together and had a homey, bourgeois life. He started about children. We bought a new apartment.
My mother was a fan of him. She said, ‘Now you have a good one’. She used to stress that I should go for a safe man. It has worked for her, my parents are still together, they have a kind of peer relationship without real romance. I thought: now I’m in exactly the same relationship. I missed excitement. After five years, I quit. ”
I went on a lot of dating via Tinder
“I ended up in a crisis, even though it only dawned on me later. I first fell in love again. But this man was also unfaithful. As if all my past came back. I was miserable and started dating. Dating a lot. Via Tinder. From one to the other. I have always wanted to be with someone. I was obsessed with it. I knew: this does not work like that, but continued.
When I did not even open the curtains in the morning, I went into therapy. You are a relationship addict, it sounded. I let my self-esteem be completely determined by men. Because of their attention. To get it, I used sex; my strategy of keeping them with me.
I had to learn to be alone. The therapist advised me not to start relationships for a long time. Not even Tinder dates. And I had to do things that made me happy that made sense to my life. It took years, but I managed to break those patterns. ”
A calm energy, just like my father
“I now have a lazy relationship. It feels super safe and there is tension. Maybe because we only see each other twice a week. Huisje-boompje-beestje does not need it from both of us. He also has such a calm energy, just like my dad.And he’s a gamer again.Sometimes I have to say: bank, bank, I’m still here.It’s obviously my type.Girlfriends are attracted to young, playful and wild.I can not even see the men standing there. ”
For the sake of privacy, the names in this article have been changed. Daniëlle’s real name is the editor-in-chief.