Ten tips for a good conversation with your partner: ‘It is allowed to quarrel’

There is nothing more important in a good relationship than having a good conversation every now and then. Because, explains relationship therapist and sexologist Vanessa Muyldermans: “Communication is important for sharing information on the one hand and for gaining and maintaining an emotional connection on the other.” It does not have to be a good conversation: “Telling about your day or saying what you want to eat is also communication. So it does not always have to be meaningful. But deeper conversations are necessary in a relationship because is how you create connection and involvement. ”

But to have a conversation that actually pays off and is constructive, especially if you are a little more close to each other than usual, how do you do that? Muyldermans provides ten tips for communicating constructively with each other. Let love rule!

Ten tips for a good conversation:

1. Stay realistic

“It’s not always easy to communicate. There are certain themes that we find difficult or that are sensitive. What they are varies from person to person. Remember that it’s okay if it sometimes gets difficult or emotional. “Crying or crying during a conversation to get angry does not necessarily mean that there is bad communication. That communication will always be easy is a utopia. Making it nicer and easier for both parties is already a big step.”

2. It is allowed to quarrel (and you can also go to bed with a quarrel)

“When couples quarrel, it means they care about their relationship and will fight for it. It’s certainly not bad to quarrel, even if it does not help if it happens every day. But it’s part of it, and it It is not realistic to think that a relationship is always a dream It is often said that one should not sleep if an argument or discussion is not over. I disagree. It is important that the one who feels that it is, can no longer and would like to go to bed also indicates that you would very much like to continue the conversation at another time, but that you are now too tired to discuss it in an attentive way.Topic is important and agree when you want to discuss it further. “

Find your own way of speaking

“A certain way of communicating that works for everyone? It does not exist. When people ask me what bad communication is, I always say, ‘If one of the parties or one of them does not feel good about it’ for a longer period. Or if something is really missing or one of the parties is blocking. ‘ Then find a way to communicate that suits you. It does not have to be the same way that your friends or neighbors communicate. Who are we to say that you should sit around the table and chat? shout at each other and you may even be allowed to hit the table.

Schedule calls

“Do you need to discuss difficult topics? Then I recommend that you schedule a meeting. Choose twice a week that suits both of you. Do not schedule difficult conversations after a busy work day, or when you have to visit family afterwards. Review your weekly schedule together, put the meeting on your agenda and stick to it. Do not cancel for the slightest thing. Your relationship and communication deserve a moment of undivided attention. That way you are both prepared, both in terms of content and emotionally. about what they want to say or block them emotionally if they do not know what to expect. By scheduling a conversation, you avoid these situations. “

5. Do not make it too long

“Have you scheduled a conversation? Reserve half an hour for 45 minutes for it. Set the timer on your cell phone if necessary. It may sound crazy, but if you are very focused and speak with respect about difficult and emotional matters, 45 minutes is long enough Otherwise, such conversations can easily last up to 02. Then both parties are dead tired and you will certainly not do it again a few days later.By timing your conversation you also know exactly when it starts, but also when it is “Again. There’s a clear stop and then there’s no more talking about that topic. If not, you’re quickly ‘overfocused’ and you get a gigantic tension in your relationship.”

6. Do something fun

“You communicate well now: talk for about 45 minutes twice a week, and by the way, you let go of the difficult topics. Is the conversation over? So do not ask the other person more questions and do not stop. comments. For the rest of your time together, it’s best to focus on other things. Do something fun together. Try to do something individually after the conversation. That way, the mood of the conversation is not prolonged. relaxing bath while the other goes for a walk, which once again emphasizes that the conversation is over and now it’s time to do other more fun things. “

7. Cool if you have to

“A conversation can and can sometimes result in an argument, but if it explodes every time, you can work with a time-out. You can agree in advance how to do it. For example, agree on a specific word or gesture. Some put a card on the fridge or turn a figure There may be little things that others do not understand, but are clear between you Do you feel that it will be too difficult or that you will explode? So call them here. to another room or go outside for a while.It can be for a few minutes but also for a few hours.Sometimes it is enough to cool down to realize that the fight is actually resolved.back to it, even if it just a minute to say it’s okay.there is still “something” to say about it.You can also arrange an emoticon online which you post when it gets too much.Then it also just means: stop the conversation. “

8. Write a letter

“When you communicate online, you really only have words. Usually we keep it as short as possible in our messages. Not ideal for an important conversation. Do you really have no other choice, or do you prefer a digital conversation rather than face to face? make sure you understand each other well Ask further questions so you interpret everything correctly In addition, I advise you to choose an e-mail or a letter That way you can sit down and take your time Find the right words Your partner can also read an e-mail or a letter in a calmer way than a chat message, think about it longer and possibly formulate an answer An exchange notebook is also a very nice and romantic way to communicate with each other.You write something in it. and then give it to your partner and he or she will do the same. Very binding. “

9. Find the golden mean

“Not everyone communicates in the same way. Look together for a happy medium where both parties feel comfortable. If there are difficult topics on the table, it must of course be possible to discuss them. Then you have to look for safe ways , moments and places where you can. “

10. Talk to others too

“Let go of the idea that your partner has to meet all your needs. It’s not possible, not for your partner, but not for yourself either. So if you really like chatting, then of course you can make the necessary relational communication with your partner, but then it’s also okay to talk to other people By meeting friends that you can talk to well, your needs will be met and your partner will not be overwhelmed.You do not have to do everything and you do not have to do both to make everything equal. “

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