“If only there was a time machine, I would not have started having children”

The baby craving that Christina (47) had in her thirties, she calls a temporary mental confusion. Regret of her children is a strong word. But when she became a single mother after the birth of her two sons, she realized she had to give up many dreams. “If only there was a time machine. Then I would go back in time.”

Jiska KroonArtem Kovalev via Unsplash

Christina: “Without my children (10 and 13) I would have lived in Ibiza. I could have been a world-famous architect and led a free life. Instead, I live in a townhouse in Holland, I do not have that dream career and it is all day to run and fly as a single mother.

Wandering ovaries

Single people in their thirties sometimes complain that they cannot find the prince on the white horse and are afraid that their wish to have children will not be fulfilled. Be happy, I think. You are free to go where you want and your whole life is still open. Hormones at that age make you believe that life without children is not complete.

I also know having decayed ovaries like no other. When I was 26, I moved from my home country Germany to Holland out of love. After that relationship ended, I met my children’s father on a city beach in Amsterdam. The sparks flew immediately. I found him wildly attractive. There was also something mysterious about his down-to-earth character. Everything in my body screamed that I wanted a baby with this man, while my common sense at the time was not concerned with whether he was the right partner for me in the long run.

The difference between day and night

After three years of dating, we had our first son. In the first months after giving birth, I had a hard time giving my partner enough attention. Sex, I did not want more. I was so attached to the baby: his little feet, toes, fingers. The sounds he made. This feeling was beyond any love I had ever felt for anyone. During that time, it became painfully clear that my partner and I were like night and day. For example, I’m an open book, but it’s closed and he looks the cat out of the tree with everything. And when I started to feel like doing things again, he just wanted to sit on the couch.

As glue to the relationship that showed more and more cracks, we decided to go for another child. Very naive of course, we only grew further apart. Again, the only thing I was aware of was the baby, no sex drive, and we both handled the situation differently. We eventually decided to end the relationship. This is how I became a single mother when I was 38.

Dreaming overboard

I got off to a good start. The relationship with my ex was not great, I could not count on his help with the upbringing. The worst thing I thought was that because of my kids I had to stay in Holland, a country I do not like. Working as an architect also started to break me down as a single mom. If you want to be at the top, you have to work long hours and travel a lot. My family lives in Germany; looking after the boys was not an option. I had no money for shelter.

One day my manager took me aside: he thought I was fit for a fat job in New York, but realized it was not possible because of my kids. I could cry, everything flew at me. It took a long time before I was back in balance. Sport and mindful living helped me tremendously. While meditating, I realized that I had thrown my dreams overboard because of my baby craving. At a younger age, I saw my life very differently. It may be a bit of a taboo to say, but I sometimes compare a strong desire to have children with a temporary confusion. Or with the pink glasses, if you are so in love: you no longer think clearly.

Undo children

My sons know I am not fond of Holland. When we play games together or sit together at the dinner table, I sometimes talk gently to them about it. In recent years, I have often considered emigrating with them, but it is not that easy. I think it’s important that they can keep seeing their father. My ex does not allow me either. Besides, they have their friends here. You also do not want to just take them out of their safe environment. And in the end, I want the very best for them.

When they are adults in a few years, I pack my things and emigrate. My new boyfriend and I are already busy saving up for our dream home in Ibiza. Until then, I try to get the best out of it in Holland. If only there was a time machine. Then I would go back in time. I grab Christina very hard from that time, shaking her even harder than her ovaries did in her body and yelling, ‘Don’t start!’. Regret for my children is a strong word, but without them I would have been happy. ”

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