These are the signs that things are not going well between you and your partner

You quarrel more and more, there is a little (positive) energy, or you no longer see a future together: no matter how painful and difficult it may be, you and your partner are sometimes no longer the ideal match. Relationship therapist Vanessa Muyldermans tells you what signals suggest that your relationship is no longer good.

You may still have so many signals that clearly indicate that things are not going well, the most important thing is what you do with them then. If you respond to it, you can improve your relationship. If you are not responding or you can not improve the situation, then you better get out of the relationship.

The four riders

Muyldermans: “For the theoretical answer, I refer to one of the theories of John Gottman, a well-known couple therapist. Together with his partner, he conducted various studies of a number of couples and reached four points, which he called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He states that if one of these four riders invades the relationship, it means something is not going well. You need to react quickly and do something about it. If you do not, stop talking. about a healthy relationship. “

“First of all, we criticize. If there is a lot of criticism in the relationship and you can no longer make it good communication, it is an important signal. If you are trying to make it clear to your partner that criticism hurts you. Or blocks but nothing changes, it’s a signal.You also have contempt but I feel it has little to do with criticism.If you give or receive contempt from one person to another for a long time you can not keep up “Then you can no longer talk about a healthy and happy relationship.”

Defensive behavior

“In addition, Gottman talks about defensive behavior. When something happens and you or your partner constantly feel the need to get on the defensive, you can no longer touch the underlying part, the emotional. How to get to the last rider: build a wall.This wall prevents you from reaching the deeper layer with one or both partners and can talk about it.You can have this temporarily, or as a kind of survival mechanism.If there is an opening to work on this together and evolution to try to create, it’s good. But if this does not work at all, and you do not notice any progress, it is also a sign. “

Muyldermans: “When I look at my own practice, I always tell my clients that commitment is very important. I often refer to the TV show Love at first sight, where two strangers would have to press a button at the same time if they wanted to get to know each other better. Behind them was a big heart that colored completely when you both pressed the button. But you could not wait to see what the other person would do first. Sometimes you saw half a heart there. It works the same way in a relationship. Do you still want to press and go for the relationship? Whatever your partner may or may not want, you need to look at yourself. That is the first step. “


“The other part of that commitment is faith. Do you still believe that you will be able to do whatever it takes to get the relationship to a point that is better for both of you, or do you believe it? is not possible anymore? If you say yes, then it’s a sign to me that it might not happen again. It’s very difficult to realize, but absolutely necessary at the moment. angry about it, but it’s good that you know it then .. In the back of your mind you should also remember that it is not only difficult for those who still want If you state that you love someone but no longer see a relationship with that person and therefore not If you can say wholeheartedly yes, then it must also hurt. For in that moment you hurt someone, you disappoint someone, and it is not a nice feeling. This person also loses something, you must not forget that. “

“There are also a few other signs that you can pick up. Have you always seen a future with your partner, but it fades more and more? Then it’s a sign that a relationship is getting difficult together. If you do It “t want the same thing anymore, you If you give a completely different interpretation of your future and really do not agree with it, then it is better to stop. In addition, it is important that the relationship keeps moving. It can be approx. small steps, about two steps forward and now and then one back, as long as it But it moves. If you’re making progress, then you’re fine. But if you’ve been pulling and pulling for so long and still nothing has changed, it’s definitely a signal. “

No more energy

“In addition, the energy tank of one or both people can be gradually emptied. If one of them indicates that he is completely exhausted and no longer finds the energy to continue, then one must accept it. And it is possible and allowed. Fighting for a “Conditions are also very tiring. If you run out of fuel, then so be it.”

“Then there is another very clear signal, which is that you are developing feelings for another or feeling a certain attraction to a new one. It may indicate that something is no longer right in your current relationship, or that the person who is at home. on your waiting it is not quite right for you. and if your partner can no longer offer you this then it is definitely a sign for me. “

“No (good) communication is also a very clear signal to me. You have to keep talking to each other, it is extremely important. Of course you also have to want both. You have to listen to your partner and hear what he or she has. she has to say the relationship is to give and take, listen and hear What you feel is your truth, what your partner feels is also his own truth You may experience situations completely differently, but then it is important that you express it to each other. Because only in that way can you learn from each other and move on. But if you no longer understand each other, it stops. ”

breach of trust

“Finally, it may be that there has been a breach of trust in the relationship. If you can get it repaired and move on together, it’s only good. But if one of you feels so hurt and indicates that they can not cope it can no longer agree and bring the past up again and again in new discussion, then you can not agree can not regret mistakes, you can only try to do better now.if you or your partner keep stick to mistakes, you can do nothing about it change more If after a while you can not put it behind you, it will be there and you have already done everything around it, but it still does not work? Then it stops. “

“Like I said, you both have to jump. You both have to press that button. But if one of the two does not want more, then you have to find out. If you recognize all these signals in your relationship, it is up to you to decide what to do with it.Would you put some energy into it and try to fix it again? Or would you leave it as it is and start writing a new story? This choice is entirely yours, no matter what your partner still wants or does not want. “

Source:, in collaboration with The Content Exchange.

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