“Finally I came too. So it can be done, I thought.”

What’s going on in your bedroom? Each week, in our Bedroom Secrets section, Libelle talks to a reader about his/her/their sex life. Noah (26): “After a period when I gained a little weight, I gained weight and I got curves and breasts that I was not at all happy with”.

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Noah (26): “In high school and for a while after that, during my studies, I thought I would ‘just’ end up with a husband and children. My idea was that it was simply expected of me and I never really considered that it could be done differently.

Or else

I often felt that I was different. I have three older brothers, so maybe that’s why I was too “boyish” for the girls I knew. But I was also too ‘girly’ for the guys around me and didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. I primarily tried to live up to the expectations the world had of me as a girl.

At one point I made a friend. I have been with him for 3.5 years. I started dressing more feminine, wearing makeup and trying to fit in. I didn’t like the sex, I never had an orgasm, but I thought there are more women for whom it is difficult.

First orgasm

It wasn’t until it came out that I started wearing my own baggy pants and sweaters again. When I got into a relationship with a woman, I discovered what sex can also be. Finally I came too. So it could be, I thought.

I told my parents and the rest of my family that I am gay and everyone responded well to it. I never struggled with it or anything. There was a nagging feeling in me though. Something is still not right, I felt.

Be open and be yourself

I broke up with my boyfriend and I got into a new relationship with a woman, my current girlfriend. With her I can be myself even more, even in bed. We are very open to each other and talk a lot about sexuality and gender.

Trauma

In the meantime, I had also started a course with a psychologist. I was raped by a man with whom I had a very good relationship and I had not processed the trauma properly. I thought the nagging feeling in me had something to do with it. But during the conversations I found out that there was more to it.

After a period when I weighed a little, I had put on weight and got curves and breasts, which I was not happy about at all. In conversation with the psychologist and also through the things I had already read about it myself, the realization came to me.

No woman and no man

I don’t feel like a woman. Until then, I always thought binary: You have men and women, if you are not one, then you are the other. But when I X- Everything and Nothing by Nanoah Struik, full of stories from non-binary people, I saw how subtle and personal gender is. I recognized myself (partially) and thought: I fit in here too.

Out of the closet again

I first came out as a non-binary person to my psychologist. She was very open and calm. That was nice. Then of course I would also tell my girlfriend. He wasn’t necessarily dismissive at first, but he also didn’t fully understand that there is more than man and woman. She also didn’t understand why being non-binary is so important to me. Am I just human? Why does it matter if I’m male or female? She needed time to explore what it means to be non-binary. We talked about it a lot and we will continue to do so.

I’ve cut my hair and changed my name to something gender neutral. I would like to investigate more closely how I can feel even more ‘me’. For example, my breasts have never felt ‘mine’ and I want them removed. I also want to see if I can get a less feminine look with testosterone. I’m still often seen as a woman, and I don’t want that.

Impactful change

These changes affect not only me, but also my boyfriend and our relationship. Luckily, like me, she’s more bum than boobs, but still.

She has started a relationship with a woman. Now she is in a relationship with a non-binary person. It’s a bit of a change. She says she likes people and not necessarily men or women. But the question is, will she still find me attractive when I later look more masculine. I hope our relationship survives it.

The right way

What is certain is that I am going this way. Everything has fallen into place for me knowing that I am non-binary. I finally feel like myself. No man. No woman. But one who doesn’t fit in a box and is just human. I’m glad I found out and never want to go back.”

Do you also want to share your bedroom secret with us? Email to onlineredactie@libelle.nl. Anonymous is also allowed!

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