Erotic intelligence, relationships, sex – EO

Dishwasher loaded, children sleeping, news checked, rubbish bin on the street. 10.30 p.m. Just time for some sex. You scratch your partner’s back. snore. How on earth do you keep a long-term relationship exciting? Well: with a good dose of erotic intelligence.

“I see relationships that are dying and I see relationships that are alive and well,” says world-renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel. The secret behind the second group? “They are the ones who understand erotica.”

Chances are, you’re now thinking about braces and sex toys. Esther: “It is unfair that eroticism has been flattened to the point that you are ‘acting’. Many people ‘do it’ and experience nothing. I don’t see sex as something you do, but as a place you go. You can’t measure it. It is a state of being.”

Seduction is an art

You don’t just reach that state. “The partner you wake up next to for years still needs as much temptation as before the first date. Instead of thinking you can take the other person for granted, you need more creativity to keep involving him or her.”

On Instagram, we asked how Eva women keep their relationships exciting. “It’s often in the little things”, answers Louise, five years together with her partners and mother of two daughters. “Sometimes you buy a gift because you know your partner really wants it. Or when one of us puts the kids to bed and comes back down, sometimes lights the candles, opens a glass of wine and has a snack. And then we have a great time!”

Together on the couch

Everything Louise and her partner do for each other is usually not because they have to. “It really comes from within ourselves. When we have a busy week, we miss each other at the end of the week, despite living in a house together. Then we deliberately don’t plan anything with friends, but choose to hang out on the sofa together. Listening, connecting and communicating means we keep finding each other in busy times.”

“We leave each other free to meet with friends, show interest in each other’s activities and appreciate the moments together. In addition, we celebrate our proposal date and our registered partnership date together every year. We also don’t do Valentine’s Day every year, but secretly we always do something. On Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, we show ourselves to each other again. Keep your vacation!”

Always something to discover

Nothing is worse for your relationship than thinking you know each other completely, says Esther Perel. The erotic couples on her sofa do not see their marriage as the end of romance, but as the beginning. “There is always somewhere they have not been, always something about the other that has not yet been discovered. They know how to maintain a sense of playfulness with each other both in and out of the bedroom.”

There is always something new to discover

Lisa, married to Sem and mother of a brand new two-month-old daughter, can have some influence on that. “With each new phase in your relationship, there is always something new to discover. Our pre-relationship time, courtship time when we both still lived at home, when we both moved into rooms and looked after each other, the time we were looking forward to living together and getting married, on holiday with friends, first time on holiday with z’ Bare two, a desire to have children together, pregnant together and now happy with our little daughter.”

In this way, Lisa and her partner get to know each other in a different and new way, she explains. “Experience new things together, big and small. Recently we went to the spa together, which was a new experience for both of us. When you understand each other’s love language and meet each other’s needs within it, in ever new ways, I think you will do well.”

In the ‘Love my body’ edition of Eva Magazine, you can read much more about Esther Perel’s erotic intelligence, including tips from sexologist Emily Nagoski and sexologist Astrid Kremers. Can’t get Eva on the mat? Order the single issue here!

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