#262 ‘Are you absolutely sure?’

Maud and Gio have hurriedly returned to the Netherlands from their holiday address in Bulgaria. Maud is pregnant and very doubtful whether she will keep the child. She thinks she is still too young for children and does not really want to become a mother now that her relationship with Gio is only so short. Gio, on the other hand, seems to love the news and is deeply disappointed when Maud says she has her doubts. When Maud has slept and wakes up, she has made her decision…

I hang up after a phone call with my doctor. She was very understanding, made me aware of the legal cancellation period of five days and made an appointment with the abortion clinic. As soon as I hang up, I feel calm. Gio enters the room. “Good morning honey, who were you on the phone with?” he asks, putting an arm around me. I feel his hand move towards my stomach and immediately feel terrible again. “The doctor. I’ve made an appointment at the abortion clinic,” I say softly. I feel his hand stiffen. Slowly he pulls it back.

When I turn to look at him, I see tears rolling down his cheeks. It feels like my heart is failing. I am nauseous. I want to get up to hug him, but Gio gently pushes me away and turns his face away from me. “Let me be Maud”, he mumbles and he goes to the coat rack, takes his coat and leaves. As soon as the door slams, I burst into tears. Why am I in this mess again?! I shout out loud in frustration. Not that it helps in the slightest, but it feels good.


I decide to call Rochella. If anyone knows what kind of situation I’m in, it’s her. As soon as she picks up, I start crying out loud. “I’m coming to you,” she shouts without thinking. Fifteen minutes later she is standing in front of me. I’m crying so hard I can’t say a word so I show her the positive pregnancy test. Then she starts crying too. Her hugs make me coo like a little baby. “It’s going to be okay Maud, it’s going to be okay…” she whispers reassuringly.

After a few minutes, when I’ve calmed down a bit, I tell her about my plan to get it removed and Gio’s reaction. “Hmm, somehow I understand,” Rochella says as she makes a cup of tea and settles down on the couch. “But if you’re sure Maud… It’s your decision! If you don’t want it, it won’t happen. But are you really sure? What are the pros and cons? Have you listed them properly?”

I realize that I mostly acted on my gut feelings. I haven’t written a list, apart from Gio I haven’t discussed it with anyone and I haven’t really considered what it would be like if I had a baby in 9 months. I mainly feel now that I just really don’t want to, but isn’t it cold feet? I look at Rochella in despair. Again I burst into tears. “No, I’m not quite right. Pff… Now I’m going to doubt Roch…”


Rochella gets up, goes to the closet and picks up a notepad. “Very childish. I want you to put all the pros and cons on paper now. You’re a writer and things are much clearer when they’re on paper. And be honest with yourself. What aspects do you want about having a child at this point in your life, and what would you absolutely not want?” I wrote the list of cons like this; I’ve been thinking about it constantly for the past few nights and was the reason I was so adamant about my decision this morning. But as soon as I start the list of pros, I notice that I become emotional again.

1. ‘I’m still quite a young, lovely mother,’ I write. The tears run from my eyes so hard that they fall on the paper and make big stains. But I keep writing. When I get to the seventh point, I hear the key in the lock. Gio enters. But to my horror, I see that he is not alone…

Maud (23) likes to party and travel. She recently started as an editor for a magazine. Her relationship with boyfriend Tommy is over, and she has a new boyfriend: Gio. Maud is looking for a new home in Amsterdam, but now seems to have found a home in Amstelveen. You read her adventures every week a new episode of Maud’s Night Book.

#261 ‘My decision is made’

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#262 ‘Are you absolutely sure?’

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