‘Sex? Suddenly I didn’t have to think about it anymore’


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Emma couldn’t get enough of sex until she went on anti-depressants. Since then, not much has happened in the bedroom.

Emma (35), married to Jason (35), mother of Thomas (13), Sanne (11) and Arne (7):

“Until a year ago, I had a sky-high libido. I couldn’t keep my hands off my boyfriend and popped on him every day like a teenager. Certainly in the beginning of our relationship we were doing it easily four or five times a night. Even though Jason was full at one point, I woke him up for another love-making. I’ve always wanted to.

How different it is these days, now that we are both on anti-depressants and all desire seems to have flown away. If I didn’t commit to it once a month, we wouldn’t do it at all.

Tropical years

My life has been very difficult in recent years. I didn’t know a good childhood and so chose the wrong men. My first friend, the father of my son Thomas, had such loose hands that I had to flee to a shelter.

After two years, I thought I would find happiness with the man who became the father of my daughter Sanne, but he struggled with a gambling addiction. I had no support from him at all. We only communicated via app and we no longer had any intimacy. Those were tropical years where I worked hard to stay afloat and give my children stability.

“Those were tropical years when I worked hard to stay afloat”

It was only with my current boyfriend Jason that I found true happiness ten years ago. He is the first man who truly loves me and is a good father. I’ve always had the best sex with Jason. He is super sweet, both in and out of the bedroom. That’s why we got married in 2020. Due to corona, we kept postponing our wedding, but in the end we kept it small and did it between lockdowns.

Nightmares and crying

But despite the happiness of this safe, equal and loving relationship, I haven’t felt very happy in recent years. My hard past played out more and more often. I had nightmares and crying fits. I didn’t show that, by the way. Nobody saw anything about me. I wore the mask of cheerful Emma. I am an expert at hiding dark emotions, I had taught myself that over the years with my abusive ex.

Looking back, I probably also had postpartum depression after Sanne was born and it never completely went away. In the end, I barely managed to get up in the morning and look after the children. Finally, I went to the doctor, who listened to me and prescribed anti-depressants.

It had an almost immediate effect. My gloom disappeared, as did the negative moods and my grumblings. I was always very annoyed by clutter. My husband is a bitch and I also have three kids and a dog. Where normally I would have gotten angry or upset at mud feet and trash everywhere, I now remained very calm. Even labile.

Flattened

But unfortunately all my emotions fell out. Downs and ups. Unfortunately, that also included the erotic. After just a few pills, I stopped thinking about sex. I even called my doctor concerned about it, but he said it was a known side effect. I felt bad, but especially bad for Jason.

“After a few pills I stopped thinking about sex”

He had to get used to this new woman. He knew me nothing but hot-blooded, someone who was constantly on, now I lay like a dead bird in bed. He became uncertain. Fortunately, he understood when I explained that I still thought he was sexy and handsome, but that my body would no longer cooperate.

And that understanding was reinforced when he also went to the doctor. With the same depressive symptoms. His life had not been easy either, he was addicted to drugs and had never learned to talk about his feelings. My story made him do something about his problems too. And then a few months later we were in the exact same boat: both on medication, both lethargic and zero sex drive.

The benefit of a love forest

But Jason had an additional handicap. A side effect of his antidepressants is that he can no longer ejaculate at all. In any way. The times we have sex, he only does it for me. He’s ready when we shower together or when I give him a blowjob, but that’s about it. By missing an orgasm, he lacks any need for lovemaking.

“When we have sex, he only does it for me”

Sex is also not necessary for me, but I would like to do it at least once a month to maintain the connection. My advantage is that I still orgasm. I can’t do it vaginally, but I have learned to cum clitoris. I use a vibrator for that. Sometimes I think it’s selfish. That I can come and Jason can’t. That’s why I often grab my toys when he’s gone. Then I can relax for a while and he won’t know about it.

Also read – He never makes sense: ‘I feel like a nymphomaniac sometimes if I just take my vibrator’ >

Intimacy

As long as there is intimacy in a relationship, sex is not the most important thing. But you have to work very hard not to live past each other. That’s why we cuddle a lot. We crawl into bed an hour before going to sleep. We use that time to watch TV, but also to cuddle and talk.

I have high expectations for the future. I made an appointment with a psychologist to work on emptying my backpack in addition to the pills. This is not forever. It was not. The fact that we are both on medication means that we want to get better. I see it as an investment for now, to have a beautiful and happy future together with the children. Hopefully I’ll be the mother, wife and lover I used to be.”

Would you also like to be interviewed for this column? Then you will receive a ‘fun package’ from EasyToys worth € 75. Mail to redactie@kekmama.nl.

This article can be found in Kek Mama 07-2022.

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