Pieter: ‘How the hell do I get a girlfriend?’

“It’s always been a difficult story with me and love. At school I was a bit of a loner. I didn’t connect with other students and would rather play games at home than go to pubs all weekend. It still was. on HBO so, but still I joined a sorority. An alienating experience. I still didn’t really belong, and when a kissing party was organized where the intention was to kiss as many people in one night, I went. I liked it shocking to see. This had nothing to do with romance at all.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have gone at all. But yeah. I was the only one in the guild who’d never kissed, and this would be a great opportunity. It hurt me that I’d never had a girlfriend, and it had all my fellow students. Why did I succeed? it’s them and not me? I tried, then I went up to a girl and had a chat. But usually they already had a boyfriend or they just didn’t like me.

I have had to deal with quite a few rejections. I’m not a clubber anyway, and the brooding students weren’t my people after all. Where on earth was I supposed to meet a girlfriend? I tried some dating sites like Lexa and Relatieplanet, but as an 18 year old boy you might as well talk to a camel. Women receive ten messages a day, but as a man, you can safely wait two months and such a conversation will still come to nothing. Even online, I felt like an outsider.”

Life’s bright spots

“Meanwhile, my studies were in a rut. I studied electrical engineering and didn’t like it, and at home it was quite turbulent with my brother and father having their own problems. When my uncle also died, I could see the bright spots in life. I could can’t find it anymore I changed to a new studio and on the advice of a teacher went to talk to a psychologist He identified some characteristics of autism in me and a little later the diagnosis was made with a quick checklist. Great. Now what?”

“After a year, I knew for sure that I didn’t want to be a history teacher either. But then what? I signed up for the journalism course, and it seemed to go well for the first two years. Unfortunately, the girls still didn’t want rafts Every flared-up attempt rejected I as a joke, hoping to save face.

I started to feel worse and worse and eventually I had a breakdown so bad I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want any more. School was bad, there was a culture of silence at home and I still hadn’t had a boyfriend. I felt very alone and ended up in daycare in GGZ. I got valuable things out of that. I realized that by choosing to stay at home and not build up student debt, I had also missed out on social development. I learned to make friends and socialize with many different people. And the mutual contact is very nice. And I met a girl.”

“We were friends and we talked very well. Instead of going to woodworking class, we went for a walk together. She opened up to me and we even hugged. The alarm bells should have rung then. I finally told her that I had never had sex and never kissed myself And that I was tired of being a virgin, I had made an appointment with a prostitute and I even told her that the next day she came to me and said she wanted to try it with me. So sex Somehow it didn’t feel right, but I agreed anyway. It wasn’t a smashing success, but it wasn’t a disaster either.”

‘I saw too late that she was in love’

“For me, she was a savior, because now my first attempt was not with a complete stranger, but with someone who cared about me. I’m glad she was the first. It was harder for her because her fear of pollution and anxiety played a part. We went for another swim and then she withdrew more and more. It was only later that I realized she was in love with me, but by then it was too late. I contacted someone else girl in the group and from that moment on she never wanted to see me again. I couldn’t understand it. If I had known she was in love with me, I would have handled it all very differently.”

“Now, years later, I have finally found the words to express my feelings. And also to ask about the feelings of others. I googled her again, and to my dismay came across an obituary. that she overdosed on sleeping pills and fell so badly that she died. Still I think: could I have saved her? What if I had recognized her feeling? Then maybe we would have had a very nice relationship now and she would have been alive.”

One thousand euros for matching agency

“Now that I’ve learned to open my heart and make friends, I have more space than ever for a girl. I finished my studies debt-free, but finding a job as a journalist is not possible these days. So I now work as taxi driver. Recently I also left home, temporarily in an anti-squat house. I have done very smart all my life, but sometimes I wonder what it can do for me now. Because of my long study, I was the oldest anywhere and then in college and now at my job at the taxi company I didn’t meet the women that suited me.

I tried Tinder for a while, but I hated it. I even engaged a matching agency for a thousand euros. Without result. Now I’m on OkCupid at the recommendation of a friend, and have occasional dates. Happy is moving again. I ignore the single moms because how can I get into a relationship with someone with a child while I’m still discovering what it’s like to be in a relationship? I hope to eventually have my own family, but I want to take it easy.”

The name Peter has been changed. His real name is known to the editors.

Wanted: Love Lessons

For the Love Lesson section on RTL Nieuws Lifestyle, we are looking for beautiful, vulnerable, funny, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, a moment of reflection. Preferably with your hand in your own bosom. Did you end up being the one with the fear of commitment? Should you never have emigrated for love, or did a blended family turn out to be an illusion? Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you all about it. You can report anonymously. Mail to: hanneke.mijnster@rtl.nl.

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