Elle: ‘The three of us recently bought a house’

“I first fell in love with Tom as a teenage girl of 14. Less than a month later, I felt the same jitters with Adam, his best friend. Both boys liked me and I said out loud that I was in love with them both. It didn’t require more than a little kiss and in the years that followed I dismissed my double crush as a little joke from my childhood. It probably would never happen again. But it happened again when I was 17. I was in love, I had a good relationship and fell in love with someone else again.

This boy broke up with me when I confessed. I felt so strange and so strange that I did not dare to fall in love for a long time. I stopped allowing myself feelings for others.”

“Until I fell madly in love with James. This handsome blonde man was in the same sorority as me and stole my heart. James turned out to be everything I needed. My best friend, my companion, my romantic love. For one For the first time in years I dared to feel and even enjoy my feelings again.

And again it happened. I fell in love with someone else again. To Henry, who I knew from football. When I admitted this to James, he laughed. There was no anger, no jealousy. In my love for James there also seemed to be room to pursue this feeling.”

Several love affairs side by side

“Henry is a little older than me and has more experience. He taught me about polyamory, having multiple love relationships next to each other, everything honest and open to everyone.

I have been with James and Henry for a few years now. James and I got married for administrative reasons and Henry sat in the front of the ceremony. If I could, I would marry both of them, but unfortunately that is not allowed by Dutch law. My family, friends and colleagues all know about it.”

“We recently bought a house, all three of us. Everyone has their own room and bed and private space. We also have strict rules for that. The rest we share between the three of us, both household duties and expenses. All three of us have different salaries, so we have split the fixed costs pro rata, everyone has their own room and we share an agenda to keep track of who is where.

They are both lovely spontaneous guys with whom I each share different hobbies. They also look a bit like each other, it’s clear to see that I have a certain taste. We go to festivals together and weekends away as a couple. When we go out with a group of friends, both men come along, but the three of us on holiday we haven’t really done so far.’

Give each other individuality

“The great thing about poly is that you don’t have to get everything from one person. Everyone gets tired sometimes, everyone does things with their partner that they actually don’t like. I can kind of outsource those things. I have a, I like to go to concerts with, and someone who really likes to play, so I can share all my hobbies with both.

James is much more of an emotional person and can listen very well, while Henry is very practical. James doesn’t like to cook so Henry does, Henry doesn’t like to fold the laundry so I do, I don’t like to vacuum so James does. In this way, we all complement each other. We give each other our individuality.”

Incredible libidos or swingers

“James is also with Melissa, Henry is also with Sanne and I’m with my two husbands and I’ve never felt so loved. It’s wonderful to see how James and Henry interact with their other partners and how my husbands get along so well with being friends. It feels like a kind of intensely close group of friends where everyone cares about each other. I would do both metamursor my partners’ partners, dare to call friends.

“People always think we have to have massive libidos or be swingers, but it doesn’t work like that. It’s more like having two monogamous relationships side by side, both of which are equally dear to me. In fact, I think the trust within our couple relationships are better than in many monogamous relationships Jealousy and fear of compensation always lurking Good communication and sufficient confirmation of the uniqueness of the relationship is therefore very important We have found our way there by finding out where the felt jealousy comes from .. is often not envy about someone having something you don’t have, but fear or insecurity that needs to be expressed.”

New love not out of the question

“In a practical sense, it’s sometimes quite difficult to keep an agenda and find space in it for all the different parties to be together. We’re not looking for a new love either. We’re all together. polysaturated as it is called, our current construction is enough.

But it cannot be ruled out that one of us could fall in love again. When that happens, we just have to sit back down and set rules and expectations. But one thing is certain: with these two I will grow old.”

The names Elle, James and Henry are fictitious names. Their real names are known to the editors.

Wanted: Love Lessons

For the Love Lesson section on RTL Nieuws Lifestyle, we are looking for beautiful, vulnerable, funny, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, a moment of reflection. Preferably with your hand in your own bosom. Did you end up being the one with the fear of commitment? Should you never have emigrated for love, or did a blended family turn out to be an illusion? Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you all about it. You can report anonymously. Mail to: hanneke.mijnster@rtl.nl.

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