These two qualities are essential for a stable relationship

A stable and healthy relationship doesn’t just happen. Because as you probably know, love is not always a bed of roses. But clinical psychologist Daniel S. Lobel believes that two specific characteristics are essential for a stable relationship.

If your relationship is going well, it has an effect on your state of mind and attitude towards others. At the same time, we all know that bumblebees or problems at home cause a lot of stress. Psychologist Lobel offers two handles on the way to a stable relationship. By the way, did you already know the term ‘baby sex’ for intimacy in a long relationship? Goedele Liekens explained this earlier.

Psychologist on characteristics of healthy relationships

This is what relationship expert Lobel writes for the American Psychology today that two things are indispensable for a stable relationship. Which ones are they? Anger management and dedication prove to be the magic formula.

A little more context about these two qualities of a good relationship: According to the psychologist, the indicator of an unstable relationship is that it is often associated with the last interaction. In other words, a final argument, argument or moment of frustration determines the current status of the relationship and the overall picture. And that’s not the point, according to Lobel.


In contrast, in a stable relationship, patterns of behavior and past experiences determine relationship status rather than individual events. In addition to dedication, loyalty, predictability and forgiveness are important, explains Lobel. How can you recognize that dedication? According to the psychologist, both people in a stable relationship are obliged to resolve conflicts and problems. And in that, the solution does not threaten or damage the relationship. In an unstable relationship, there are constant direct or indirect threats that could mean the end of the couple.

quarrel unstable relationship

Not quite clear yet? Lobel symbolizes an argument from an unstable relationship with a simple example:

Ernie: We need groceries, let’s go to Albert Heijn
Ellen: I hate AH, let’s go to Aldi
Ernie: It’s twice as long to drive
Ellen: But a cheaper supermarket
Ernie: I hate it when you argue about stupid things
Ellen: I hate when you play boss
Ernie: Why not just shop yourself?
Ellen: Why not just live alone?

With the above, the psychologist is trying to indicate that the unstable and insecure nature of their relationship means that a simple argument threatens to end the relationship. Lobel then gives another example with a different kind of discussion.

quarrel stable relationship

Ernie: We need groceries, let’s go to Albert Heijn
Ellen: I hate AH, let’s go to Aldi
Ernie: It is twice as far to drive
Ellen: But a cheaper supermarket
Ernie: I don’t have much time today. So I prefer to go to AH. Tomorrow I would like to go to Aldi with you.
Ellen: That’s good, do you have time for a walk now?
Ernie: Gladly!

In the second example, the psychologist explains that the focus is on the solution instead of criticizing someone else.

Anger management or “anger management”

According to the psychologist, anger does not have a particularly favorable effect from the point of view of a relationship. “People instinctively withdraw or attack when confronted with anger,” he says. The feeling of anger pushes or pushes the partners away from each other, according to Lobel. As opposed to sadness, shame, guilt or fear. It is emotions that bring people closer together. In a healthy relationship, these feelings are expressed.

Anger is fueled by underlying pain. We get angry because someone has hurt us, hurt us, or we expect someone to hurt us. According to Lobel, in a healthy and stable relationship, you express that pain before it results in anger. In a stable relationship, someone cares about your pain, and a partner will try to stop hurting you.

Expressing feelings and thinking in solutions

And the psychologist has a tip for that. “Use the word ‘ouch’ when something is painful. This way you get your partner’s attention to start a conversation about that pain and what you can do about it together.” Finally, Lobel refers again to the first argument between Ernie and Ellen. Ernie uses the word “hate” and expresses his anger with it, according to Lobel. By using the word “stupid” he downplays Ellen’s concerns. Then it’s Ellen’s turn to strike back with a hateful feeling. Before the two know it, abandonment lurks in the argument.

In short, express to each other how you feel before tempers get high and think of solutions if an argument or argument threatens. According to Lobel, it increases the chance of a stable relationship, and you reap the benefits for the rest of your life.

Do you have trouble saying ‘no’? These tips will help you

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These two qualities are essential for a stable relationship, according to the psychologist

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