Wies Verbeek, pro-aging expert, looks for the best body and mind tips for Nouveau and talks to experts about how to age a little better. This time: how to revive the eroticism when you have been together for a long time?
No one wants to sit nervously giggling after years together, waiting for his or her partner to return from the supermarket. But what if all the erotic tension has disappeared?
We were chatting in a restaurant, my boyfriend and I. Next to us sat a couple who obviously hadn’t known each other very long. He was sitting under the table caressing her bare legs and she couldn’t take her eyes off him. Occasionally we heard whispers. They ordered dessert to share, but apparently couldn’t take it anymore, because after one bite they put on their coats and left the restaurant.
“What a shame I no longer have that feeling with my husband,” my friend sighed. “That you long for each other so much.” We then talked about sex, and that there was still every now and then, but that the huge longing for each other, the excitement, the excitement is hard to find. Not crazy per se.
But there is also something between nothing and everything. How do you ensure a little more eroticism and desire in your relationship, even if you have been together for a long time? I talk about it with sexologist and relationship therapist Nynke Nijman, author of the book De Relatie APK and regularly seen in the media as an expert in sex and relationships.
Eroticism and suspense all have something to do with suspense. Longing for something you don’t yet have but want. Could there be a longing for someone you already know inside and out and have been with for a long time?
‘Yes, you absolutely can. The only thing we should not forget is that in the first months of the relationship we worked really hard to discover each other. We were willing to make an effort, ask questions, listen to each other’s stories. Later, we want to have that excitement presented on a silver platter and not put a lot of time and effort into it.
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‘If you want, you can absolutely arouse the desire, the eroticism and the desire’
What also happens in the first phase is that you suddenly start to like yourself because the other person thinks you are funny or tell good stories. In addition, falling in love causes the release of hormones, such as dopamine and endorphins, which make it very easy to long for each other. After a while it no longer happens by itself. You can no longer appeal to that hormonal balance. You will have to look for ways to bring these desires back to the surface. Fine if you don’t want to, but if you do, you can absolutely arouse that desire, the eroticism and the longing.’
How do you do that without having to perform sensual ceremonies or ritual mating dances for days?
‘It is important to look at your own sexuality first. In the past you may have had enough of fantasies, as you get older there is usually a need for direct physical stimulation. As you are used to, you can sit and turn all kinds of buttons with the two of you, but maybe you like something completely different now. Try to find out. Is it a caress, is it a toy, should it be hard or soft? What erotic memories come to mind? You really need to spend some time on that. Your sexuality is constantly changing. Your sexuality does not have to depend on your partner. You don’t have to put it up to him or her, but ask yourself what you want. When you are stressed or tired, you are not in touch with your own sexuality. Let alone that your partner can do something about it.
‘A little distance creates pleasure’
Another thing is that we want to find our partner attractive. It’s not just about looks. You want to be proud of your partner. This is usually the case when that person is in his or her power, completely engrossed in something that excites him or her. And that won’t happen if the two of you sit on the couch every night. Let the other do what he or she likes. Give each other space. In this way you create distance and through that distance you create desire.
Longing for another also arises from wonder. It is abundantly present in the beginning, but also later there are always pieces of your partner that you can discover. Keep asking questions, even those you may have asked at the beginning. To what extent are you (still) interested in the other person? By being curious about the other person, things will emerge that you didn’t know before. As in the beginning, it makes the other person attractive.
‘It’s an illusion to think that desire and sex, with the busy days we have, come spontaneously’
Finally, you will have to make time for each other. It is an illusion to think that desire and sex, with the busy days we have, come spontaneously. Make an appointment with each other, now do your best to awaken that desire. We want to feel the excitement and desire again, but we don’t do anything to get it. We have become lazy sexers. Make the choice to really see each other and not assume he/she is there anyway.’
How important is erotica to a relationship?
‘It is very personal. One is very satisfied with a relationship or intimacy without sex or erotica, for the other it is essential. But we shouldn’t make sex and everything that comes with it too important. Compare it to sports. We can say that it is healthy and good, but that does not mean that everyone enjoys it. The same is the case with sexuality.
A good sexual relationship does not automatically mean that you have a lot of sex, but that both parties’ needs are heard and met, that there are no frictions or misunderstandings. This could mean having sex once a month or once every six months. It is both good. But if you want more passion, excitement and desire, be prepared to invest in it. It really is possible.’
Exciting tips from sexologist Nynke Nijman
1. Erotic listening stories
Listen to erotic audio stories and podcasts. A trend that is definitely worth following. Rouze.me is a good site with short stories that are presented as radio plays and leave a lot to the imagination. Also good to discover what you find interesting.
2. Porn as inspiration
At getcheex.com you will find videos, podcasts, stories and tips. Much smarter than the well-known porn sites. For €9.90 per month you have a subscription. Don’t think these sites are just for young girls! See it as a source of inspiration. It can give extra excitement when you have sex with your partner.
You will find good and reliable information about erotica and sex at depaarsekeizerin.nl. You can also find erotic stories, book tips, a ‘tantra for beginners’ course, massage techniques, romantic gifts and exciting toys.
4. Spicy podcast
Recently, the third season of the In Search of Sexuality podcast can be heard on Podimo. In it, Nynke Nijman talks to an (experienced) expert about everything to do with sexuality. This season, journalist and author Marith Iedema is her regular table lady.
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