Irene: “Obviously I’d rather be alone and all by myself than together and unfree”

“In 2009 I left everything for the first time. My house, my job, my familiar existence and I allowed myself a kind of Eat Pray Lovetravel, like the book and the movie actually. I wanted to see the world, feel free and get to know myself better.

During that trip, I fell in love with someone who lived abroad. A nomad, like me. All we had was a car and each other. We worked together in tourism, in Greece in the summer and in the snow in the winter.”

“When that relationship ended after a few years, I had nothing left. I had to start all over again. Had no house, no money and a limited social network. I discovered that I could easily make a living by looking after houses. It especially did in Holland. It was nice to be close to my friends again. So I decided to look for my own place.

For a year I lived in my own rented house, but I was not really happy. During a sweat lodge ceremony I looked at myself and thought: what am I doing? This is not true. So I made plans to travel again, to Ibiza and France this time. Two weeks before departure, I fell in love again. On an Utrechter this time. Yet I went on a journey and came back just as in love.”

Not happy in his house

“He thought it was fine that I liked to fly out. I traveled alone regularly, always to come back to him. Again, I didn’t have my own place and I wasn’t financially strong. Because I lived with him most of the time and I haven’t had my own home.” he suggested that I thought we might as well live together, which seemed like a good idea, but it turned out not to be the case.

I had no place of my own to retreat to and now settled again in a city I had already left behind. After a few years it started to warp. I really wasn’t happy in his house. Still, I didn’t go. The love was too strong and my fear of leaving it behind was great. Until I decided to choose myself more. Then our relationship ended.”

“The differences became too great. He liked to be at home, I liked to be out. When he came home from work, he wanted to acclimatize, while I immediately wanted to socialize. And the more I expressed what I wanted and the more I expressed what I wanted the more obvious our differences became He didn’t share my dream of traveling and living abroad again for a while He is happy with his life in Utrecht But yes there are no compromises in national borders.

Again, I recognized that I had given too much of myself away for the benefit of the relationship and at my own expense. There was less and less connection and we argued more often about what was important to us personally, such as my sense of adventure. It’s a shame it didn’t work’.

Untie myself

“Now I’m in Greece for the winter and I love that, but I would have preferred to do it together. I’ve traveled alone before, but my desire to create something together didn’t fit into this relationship. I felt locked in that house. The move to break up that relationship was essentially a move to detach myself from the life we ​​had created together. Obviously, I’d rather be alone and completely myself than together and unfree.”

“But is this also the best? To be honest, I’m not sure yet. Now that I’ve been somewhere a little longer, it settles into me and I come across all sorts of things. Some times there are moments of loneliness because i don’t know anyone here at all i made a strict choice by saying ‘i’m leaving’ maybe it could have been less.

I felt I needed this step to make room for myself. By moving in with someone, you’re living in a place you didn’t choose. Then maybe something important is missing in your life. At least that’s how it was for me. For the next three months I will live in the same village, in a country where I move quite easily.”

Where will I land?

“I haven’t found the place where I really want to land yet. In the end, I want to live close to my friends (who all live in the Netherlands) and in a country where the sun always shines. The two don’t mix well, no. I’m someone who takes a step when it doesn’t feel right anymore. It’s scary, but being stuck in something that doesn’t make me happy is even scarier.

I’m not in a rush for love right now. I know how I want to organize my day and my work, now I’m researching where I want to live. I think I won’t open up to love until I find that place.”

Wanted: Love Lessons

For the Love Lesson section on RTL News Lifestyle, we are looking for beautiful, vulnerable, funny, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, a moment of reflection. Preferably with your hand in your own bosom. Did you end up being the one with the fear of commitment? Should you never have emigrated for love, or did a blended family turn out to be an illusion after all? Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you all about it. It is allowed to report anonymously. Mail to: hanneke.mijnster@rtl.nl.

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