Hester must break from Tijn, but she does not know how | About love

A meeting, a kiss, a breakup or a conversation, anything can be a turning point in love. Yanaika summer looking for stories of love because all loves tell a story. This time: Hester needs to free herself from Tijn, but the strings around her wrists are so tangled that she doesn’t know how.

Three years ago, Hester broke up with her. She could do no more. Yet she continues to long for Tijn. “He hurt me so much. Why do I want it back?

Although back might not be the right word. What I want back is the couple we once were. But if I’m being honest, we were only that couple for the first six months. Then came the cracks.

Tim is a difficult man. Troubled, stressed and emotionally closed off, except when it all comes out suddenly in a moment of anger. Then there are tears and regrets and the stories of the past that made him this way. I felt sorry for him in such moments. Of course I understood it all, and so I forgave him for his bluntness and shouting. He couldn’t help but that his mother… And that he never cared… and so on. Always a good excuse to really behave. It only made me try harder. With me he could express his feelings, I would comfort him and help him with all the old misery. I didn’t want to leave him like others had done, and I wanted to do my best not to make him angry or upset.

But Tijn could get angry about anything. If I forgot something small or accidentally dropped something, even if the printer didn’t work, it was somehow my fault. Tijn never physically assaulted me and he always said sorry after that point. Then he poured me a glass of wine and took me in his arms to tell me I meant the world to him. That way I could take it again.

It exhausted me. Just as constant work stress can burn you out, so did this relationship. I had to walk on tiptoe all the time. Being a kind of perfect woman, but never good enough, apparently. It’s strange how something like this creeps up. I thought I was not the type of woman to get involved in such a relationship. But that’s it: you get involved. First, a thin string around your wrist that you can break if you want. Then one on your other wrist, your feet, and so on. Until you get completely gagged and become a kind of puppet.

When I collapsed with a boyfriend three years ago, I had to conclude that this relationship had destroyed me. She encouraged me to leave him and although it took me three tries, I finally succeeded. He asked me to come back the first two times. Last time he shouted me out of the house and accused me of everything I wanted to prevent. I left him like everyone else had always done. The friend who helped me offered me a home. I am eternally grateful to her.

Since then I have tried to live with the fact that I left the man I loved dearly. I have often wondered if I could not have done more. Couples therapy perhaps? And of course I wasn’t easy myself. Maybe it was a little my fault. All thoughts to cover up that he has treated me badly and is not worthy of my love at all. He’s not going to change no matter how much love and understanding I give him.

I think I still long for him because he gave me the very best in the best moments. Tijn could love so much, be so full of admiration and praise for me. He bought gifts, and even though I know it’s not meant to be, I often realized the effort he had made. His attention was always carefully selected. It was a sign to me that he really knew me. I felt seen and loved by him for who I was. But his shadow side only grew bigger and I couldn’t compete with all my sunshine. I have to get away from him, but the strings around my wrists are so tangled that I just don’t know how.”

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Also be interviewed (anonymously) About love? Mail to yanaika@mediahuis.nl

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